December 21 two years later

Tomorrow we will be going in for a routine check-up for our Kasi girl.  It is hard to believe it has been two years since her surgery, and at the same time it seems like it has been forever.  So many things we remember like yesterday and at the same time things that we have forgotten.  For all the things remembered it is all the good things, the smiles shared, relationships built, and the best of all, the praise we saw God get for every good thing.  It was the lives that have been changed, and the people who now know Jesus and the strength He gives.  These are the things remembered each day, until, the day before an appointment.
The day before we head over to UofM so many emotions go through my head.  I am not anxious or scared, but revisiting all of the "stuff" of testing and waiting and going over results.  The doctor conversations, the keeping my head into every word so I know the right questions to ask so when we leave I am fully aware of Kasi's health for another year.  It seems like we should be at the point where these things shouldn't be of concern and just a normal checkup.  For those of you who have been on this journey with us for a long period of time know that nothing is really of the norm with Kasi's body.  And of course this past year is no exception.  She has had costacondritis which she needed a CT scan for and she has had pain in her leg, swelling in her feet, and of course he feet getting a little funny with color at times, among other things which make us go hmmm.  No we don't call on these things because we simply are done with all the doctor visits and really try and enjoy life together without thinking about such things.  I am sure though, that this is different for Kasi who actually has these things going on.
Kasi for the most part doesn't tell me about issues anymore, and really why would she?  She is completely desiring to lead a normal teenage life.  What does that look like for her?  I see her and see how mature she is in her thinking and in her relationships. Part of me wants her to be free, run, jump, and be crazy!!  She is free and she can sure be crazy, but at times I feel like she is held into this adult mode of thinking because she has come face to face with the reality of whether or not she might see tomorrow.  I remember how strong she was looking forward to and anticipating this past surgery.  It was amazing the strength she had.  I remember having the hard talk with Aubree about what this could look like, and how, no matter what the outcome, we knew God's love for Kasi was so much greater than our own that His will would be perfect.  Kasi now says to me that her strength was in the form of peace.  She was at peace the days and months before her surgery. God given peace, and peace I desire to live in daily.  I remember God's hand on her, physically and spiritually.  I also recall her face as she was wheeled away from us that morning.  A single tear from each eye rolling down her cheeks, her at peace, but seeing my pain as I longed to go with her, hold her, and tell her it's okay.
So tomorrow we go down these same halls, to the same Dr.s, and the same people who saw us for who we really are, vulnerably on our knees before our Father, trusting.  We are trusting, in Him to hold us like we have been held, go before us and prepare those who need to hear of Him, and to share our celebration of Kasi being held and healed by the Almighty.

Philippians 4:4-7
Rejoice in the Lord always.  I will say it again: Rejoice!  Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near.  Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the PEACE of God which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Isaiah 9:6
For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders.  And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of PEACE.

Thankfulness

Thanksgiving is right around the corner and this year I keep thinking about two years ago and all of the roads we have been down since.  It is as if our journey in life was with Kasi alone, but that is not the case.  This journey of life is always moving and is fluid just as God is.  God is always moving, flooding, pulling back, making trenches, changing scenery,  in the very depths of our souls.  This doesn't happen with one major moment in life, as a major surgery, cancer, illness, or accident, these are just tools along the way to shape and mold us to see Him more clearly, and even more importantly make us more like Him.  When we have no other choice but to reach up because there is nothing more under us holding us, God's amazing arms swoop down and pick us up and carry us.
This thanksgiving I am thankful for knowing Jesus in such a way that He carries me.  Not just through life with Kasi, which is major, but through life with the boys as they are special needs and born with more obstacles then most people face ever in their life.  Also, with Aubree as she shares her faith on and off the soccer field filled with life experience, not being swayed by those who choose to talk about her and shoot her down in school and life.  All these things as a mom make my "plate" full, and sometimes I refer to it as a meat platter, but, BUT, I know that through all of life as we know it, God's love is bigger, greater, and continual.  He is fluid, filling all the creases of life that need filling, changing, and cleansing.  I rest in this, today, and always.

Have a very blessed Thanksgiving, being thankful for Him, the true One in control of all.

Happy 16th

Wow Kasi I never knew you would make it to this day!  Actually every year on this day is a time that I have my moments of being filled with tears of awe.  Most mom's reflect I am sure on each of their children's birthday's, but yours is different. And maybe just different from my perspective.  I look at the past 16 years of not only your life, but everyone who's life has been impacted by you, which includes mine.  Having a baby can be an event that is overlooked as a "normal" part of life by most people, but you my sweet girl, have been anything but normal.  (which you know because we tell you all the time...hehehe)  I still chuckle at the fact that I was overwhelmed with tears the day we were going to take you home because you were a little jaundice and they weren't sure if you would have to stay an extra day.  At that I now say "HA"!  I also remember the ride home in which a semi would pass us and I would freak out a little bit.  Then there is taking you to our home and walking you around the rooms, saying "here is your crib, here is your rocking chair, here is our table" and crying so much over that.  Can you say post-pardem blues???  Wow, it was crazy!  Then there was taking you back into the hospital to have your billirueben (sp?) checked and Grandma having to come along because I couldn't even bare to think of you getting poked in your foot!  You would scream and I would sob.  At one point you were in the back with Grandma and I heard you crying and I started crying in the waiting room, a older man came over to me, put his arm around me and said "I understand, my daughter just had a baby too, it's okay".  I think on these little moments, and then look at what was to come about over the next weeks and how God stepped and intervened in my heart to give me strength.  Who knew at the time I was weeping over a foot poke that in 5 weeks we would be sobbing over the side of your crib as the nurses breathed breath back into your body.  Who knew that after what was supposed to be a "simple" tummy surgery that we would get the most devastating news we could ever hear.  Who knew that not only would we hear about your heart being broke, that ours would have to break over and over and yet over again.  Who knew that each time we gave you over to surgery after surgery we would be giving you straight into the hands of our Father to do His work inside your little and not so little body.  Who knew that as your heart, being absolutely the very first case of it's kind, would be the very thing that changes my heart and makes our hearts so in love with the Father who not only holds our physically broken hearts and heals them but also our Spiritually broken heart and heals and holds it.  Who knew that 16 years later we would be able to give so many testimonies of healing, holding, and uplifting, and mostly, lives changed all for His Glory!  God knew. 
I sit here and reflect on the 16 years of your life, I am thankful for each day.  I know that life in your future isn't going to be "easy", but then I think, if it were easy for the past 16 years where would we be?  How much love would we actually have for the One who holds us?  Would we recognize all His goodness for what it is?  Would we be like the "norm"?  I don't want to be like the "norm" and I don't want that for you my sweet baby girl!  I don't want the "norm" to be part of our vocabulary ever, not for you, Aubree, Ben, or Nathan.  I desire to stay radical for the One who is the healer!  The awesome in power! The mighty One! 
May we always be on edge of what God is going to do next and may we always ride the wave of His Spirit in our lives.  I pray that the song in your heart remains strong.  I pray that others may share with you, how God has worked among them and in them because of God's work in you.  Think about Dr. Eilison coming into your room and letting you know that he never realized the depth of the song "I will Praise You in the Storm" until he heard it one morning on the way to U of M and God revealed to him it looks like you!  That is a God moment because of your life.  I praise God for the unusual, the not norm, for those moments.  How many times when going to an appointment you would come out of the Xray and say, so mom, how many new friends do you have?  Thank you Lord for calling us out of ourselves, and into seeing you around us.  Each face is one that is created in the image of God and may you always be faithful in reflecting God back to each face you meet.  May your heart always remain sensitive and loving!  And Kasi, I have to tell you, you have an amazing story that God has given you!  You were given a word from God by many, and were even told you have a gift to compose, I believe God is sorting that out in you right now.  Pray over it, through it, and into it.  He will reveal the how and when.  May you also know that a vision was told to me that a friend had while you were in U of M and it is a vision that will never leave me.  That is a vision of you standing before our Father in His Glory casting your crowns filled with jewels at His feet. 
Keep living your out of the box, not "normal", sold out, bold life!!!  God has and will continue to do GREAT and AMAZING things!
I love you!  But God loves you more!!
Mom

I can't wait to hear you sing your new "life song" soon.  I am attaching it :-)