I know yesterday I mentioned Kasi strength through all of this. This is the morning that I saw her one tear. Not knowing at that time that tear was actually for me. Her focus on what my life would be without her and thinking, and praying that God would take care of me. Kasi's life was about to be forever changed, and yet, her focus was not inward, but outward. Asking God to help those who love her no matter the outcome. That is why the one single tear.....
I will never forget that tear. It is one of the most vivid memories I have of this journey. To me I thought she was saying "good-bye" or saying "I don't want to do this". I of course tried to use humor I am sure to calm her, when truly she was the calm one. This tear didn't happen right away in our prep room, this tear came only at the end when saying our "ta ta for nows". Don't let me kid you, we were saying goodbye, maybe for a moment, maybe till we are all called home. We honestly didn't know. My heart was being so strong....until the tear.
The walk out of the room, and yes, we had a whole room because of the complexity and seriousness of her surgery, for all of our family and friends to come into. My focus was solely on Kasi, but I wonder. How was it for Aubree? How was it for Ron? Grandparents? Her friend and mine? They too.....saw the tear.
I remember them taking her back right on time. They were all fresh I am sure since it was 6:30am. She was preped the night before, so we didn't have anything else that morning except prayer. Prayer, the biggest and most important thing for this journey. At the time I knew it would help us through, but I had no clue how much. And the fact that there were so many praying for us, God gave me a vision of the throne room being LOUD with the name of Kasi. Jesus bringing her name to the Father with all of these voices behind it. My little plead and whimper almost a distraction to those who were being loud on her behalf. It is like it started with a quiet whisper, a few gathered, then it started. The flood gates were opened. I clearly remember a friend sending me a message that Christian radio station had just stopped and prayed for Kasi on the air, and she was in Revive and every shopper and worker there stopped and prayed with them. What a beautiful picture in my mind. Then my dad recieved a text message from a pastor friend saying Moody Bible Institute during their live broadcast just prayed for Kasi. I recieved messages saying that at the beginning of each class at Unity every teacher every hour, with all the students prayed for Kasi. People had T-shirt wearing day for that day. I got a picture of the student body at Unity all dressed in green and purple. It was LOUD before the throne. And my heart could feel it.
I keep going back through the blog, to remember, to share, to give to others.....the pain of that day was still there in the middle of peace. This song I posted that day.....
One tear.....
Wednesday, November 4, 2015
Tuesday, November 3, 2015
5 years later....
It amazes me that 5 years have gone by. I sometimes think of everything as a distant memory and sometimes it seems like yesterday. There are many times through the past five years that the reality is still very real about Kasi's current and forever condition. Until Jesus heals her or takes her home! As I go through this month I am hoping to be able to share more insight to the days I wrote about. To remember and then reflect on who God is and was in the middle of that time and now. It is because of what He has done that we can look forward toward what He will do.
I look back at the pictures that were taken the night before surgery. I remember her sister and her friend lying in the hospital bed together watching a movie. We shared some laughs and cried some tears. What I also remember was the fact that Pastor Dave stayed until everyone was gone, and just sat and prayed with us. At the same time in the hotel other family members have their own story of what they were doing, thinking, and praying that night. Aubree was in a room with Brittany and Kristie and I know that they prayed, talked, and cried. Thinking back on her, 7th grade year and this huge event in her life I know it changed her as well. Then there are the boys, Ron was so good as to take care of all of their needs during this time, and also being a dad to a very sick young lady.
One of the biggest memories I have about not only this night, but the few nights prior, and maybe even weeks, were the conversations I had with Aubree. The hard, hard conversations. You see, Kasi was at total peace. What rocks my world about this still is that Kasi, being so intimately close to Jesus, was not scared. She told me, maybe a year or two later, that she was at peace because she knew that when she woke up, she would either be with me, or with Jesus, and either one was okay. She had nothing to fear. Aubree and I, well, we were having conversations in the car as I would take her back and forth to soccer, about what life looks like. What if Kasi was called home? What if Kasi survives? What is she comes out very changed, like can't walk or talk? We went through all of these senarios in a very real way. Our conclusion always being, we can not be selfish in our thoughts of what we desire, but we need to put all of these thoughts, feelings, and desires before the feet of our King in His throne room. We need to pray that we accept and are faithful to God and His call through the process, and that our own desires don't get in the way of God's work through us and the best for Kasi. After all, our home is not in this world. This is only our very temporary home, our residence is in heaven!
Going through this stuff of life here on this earth you have choices. You can look at it and go, wow, we made it! You can look at it as wow, God gave me strenth then I know He will if we have to do that again, but let's hope we don't. OR.....you can look at this as a stepping stone to surrender. We have found ourselves in constant surrender to stuff of this life. God has called us to difficult situations and circumstances in the last 5 years. He has also called us to come and walk with others in their difficult situations too. He doesn't give us these situations to just look back, but also look forward. He gives us eyes to see Him working in the lives of others. He gives us the knowledge and wisdom to recieve suffering as a gift of refinement. As I remember....remember with me, your story....
I look back at the pictures that were taken the night before surgery. I remember her sister and her friend lying in the hospital bed together watching a movie. We shared some laughs and cried some tears. What I also remember was the fact that Pastor Dave stayed until everyone was gone, and just sat and prayed with us. At the same time in the hotel other family members have their own story of what they were doing, thinking, and praying that night. Aubree was in a room with Brittany and Kristie and I know that they prayed, talked, and cried. Thinking back on her, 7th grade year and this huge event in her life I know it changed her as well. Then there are the boys, Ron was so good as to take care of all of their needs during this time, and also being a dad to a very sick young lady.
One of the biggest memories I have about not only this night, but the few nights prior, and maybe even weeks, were the conversations I had with Aubree. The hard, hard conversations. You see, Kasi was at total peace. What rocks my world about this still is that Kasi, being so intimately close to Jesus, was not scared. She told me, maybe a year or two later, that she was at peace because she knew that when she woke up, she would either be with me, or with Jesus, and either one was okay. She had nothing to fear. Aubree and I, well, we were having conversations in the car as I would take her back and forth to soccer, about what life looks like. What if Kasi was called home? What if Kasi survives? What is she comes out very changed, like can't walk or talk? We went through all of these senarios in a very real way. Our conclusion always being, we can not be selfish in our thoughts of what we desire, but we need to put all of these thoughts, feelings, and desires before the feet of our King in His throne room. We need to pray that we accept and are faithful to God and His call through the process, and that our own desires don't get in the way of God's work through us and the best for Kasi. After all, our home is not in this world. This is only our very temporary home, our residence is in heaven!
Going through this stuff of life here on this earth you have choices. You can look at it and go, wow, we made it! You can look at it as wow, God gave me strenth then I know He will if we have to do that again, but let's hope we don't. OR.....you can look at this as a stepping stone to surrender. We have found ourselves in constant surrender to stuff of this life. God has called us to difficult situations and circumstances in the last 5 years. He has also called us to come and walk with others in their difficult situations too. He doesn't give us these situations to just look back, but also look forward. He gives us eyes to see Him working in the lives of others. He gives us the knowledge and wisdom to recieve suffering as a gift of refinement. As I remember....remember with me, your story....
Praise to God for a Living Hope
1 Peter
3 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, 4 and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade. This inheritance is kept in heaven for you,5 who through faith are shielded by God’s power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. 6 In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. 7 These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.8 Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, 9 for you are receiving the end result of your faith, the salvation of your souls.
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