I know yesterday I mentioned Kasi strength through all of this. This is the morning that I saw her one tear. Not knowing at that time that tear was actually for me. Her focus on what my life would be without her and thinking, and praying that God would take care of me. Kasi's life was about to be forever changed, and yet, her focus was not inward, but outward. Asking God to help those who love her no matter the outcome. That is why the one single tear.....
I will never forget that tear. It is one of the most vivid memories I have of this journey. To me I thought she was saying "good-bye" or saying "I don't want to do this". I of course tried to use humor I am sure to calm her, when truly she was the calm one. This tear didn't happen right away in our prep room, this tear came only at the end when saying our "ta ta for nows". Don't let me kid you, we were saying goodbye, maybe for a moment, maybe till we are all called home. We honestly didn't know. My heart was being so strong....until the tear.
The walk out of the room, and yes, we had a whole room because of the complexity and seriousness of her surgery, for all of our family and friends to come into. My focus was solely on Kasi, but I wonder. How was it for Aubree? How was it for Ron? Grandparents? Her friend and mine? They too.....saw the tear.
I remember them taking her back right on time. They were all fresh I am sure since it was 6:30am. She was preped the night before, so we didn't have anything else that morning except prayer. Prayer, the biggest and most important thing for this journey. At the time I knew it would help us through, but I had no clue how much. And the fact that there were so many praying for us, God gave me a vision of the throne room being LOUD with the name of Kasi. Jesus bringing her name to the Father with all of these voices behind it. My little plead and whimper almost a distraction to those who were being loud on her behalf. It is like it started with a quiet whisper, a few gathered, then it started. The flood gates were opened. I clearly remember a friend sending me a message that Christian radio station had just stopped and prayed for Kasi on the air, and she was in Revive and every shopper and worker there stopped and prayed with them. What a beautiful picture in my mind. Then my dad recieved a text message from a pastor friend saying Moody Bible Institute during their live broadcast just prayed for Kasi. I recieved messages saying that at the beginning of each class at Unity every teacher every hour, with all the students prayed for Kasi. People had T-shirt wearing day for that day. I got a picture of the student body at Unity all dressed in green and purple. It was LOUD before the throne. And my heart could feel it.
I keep going back through the blog, to remember, to share, to give to others.....the pain of that day was still there in the middle of peace. This song I posted that day.....
One tear.....
Wednesday, November 4, 2015
Tuesday, November 3, 2015
5 years later....
It amazes me that 5 years have gone by. I sometimes think of everything as a distant memory and sometimes it seems like yesterday. There are many times through the past five years that the reality is still very real about Kasi's current and forever condition. Until Jesus heals her or takes her home! As I go through this month I am hoping to be able to share more insight to the days I wrote about. To remember and then reflect on who God is and was in the middle of that time and now. It is because of what He has done that we can look forward toward what He will do.
I look back at the pictures that were taken the night before surgery. I remember her sister and her friend lying in the hospital bed together watching a movie. We shared some laughs and cried some tears. What I also remember was the fact that Pastor Dave stayed until everyone was gone, and just sat and prayed with us. At the same time in the hotel other family members have their own story of what they were doing, thinking, and praying that night. Aubree was in a room with Brittany and Kristie and I know that they prayed, talked, and cried. Thinking back on her, 7th grade year and this huge event in her life I know it changed her as well. Then there are the boys, Ron was so good as to take care of all of their needs during this time, and also being a dad to a very sick young lady.
One of the biggest memories I have about not only this night, but the few nights prior, and maybe even weeks, were the conversations I had with Aubree. The hard, hard conversations. You see, Kasi was at total peace. What rocks my world about this still is that Kasi, being so intimately close to Jesus, was not scared. She told me, maybe a year or two later, that she was at peace because she knew that when she woke up, she would either be with me, or with Jesus, and either one was okay. She had nothing to fear. Aubree and I, well, we were having conversations in the car as I would take her back and forth to soccer, about what life looks like. What if Kasi was called home? What if Kasi survives? What is she comes out very changed, like can't walk or talk? We went through all of these senarios in a very real way. Our conclusion always being, we can not be selfish in our thoughts of what we desire, but we need to put all of these thoughts, feelings, and desires before the feet of our King in His throne room. We need to pray that we accept and are faithful to God and His call through the process, and that our own desires don't get in the way of God's work through us and the best for Kasi. After all, our home is not in this world. This is only our very temporary home, our residence is in heaven!
Going through this stuff of life here on this earth you have choices. You can look at it and go, wow, we made it! You can look at it as wow, God gave me strenth then I know He will if we have to do that again, but let's hope we don't. OR.....you can look at this as a stepping stone to surrender. We have found ourselves in constant surrender to stuff of this life. God has called us to difficult situations and circumstances in the last 5 years. He has also called us to come and walk with others in their difficult situations too. He doesn't give us these situations to just look back, but also look forward. He gives us eyes to see Him working in the lives of others. He gives us the knowledge and wisdom to recieve suffering as a gift of refinement. As I remember....remember with me, your story....
I look back at the pictures that were taken the night before surgery. I remember her sister and her friend lying in the hospital bed together watching a movie. We shared some laughs and cried some tears. What I also remember was the fact that Pastor Dave stayed until everyone was gone, and just sat and prayed with us. At the same time in the hotel other family members have their own story of what they were doing, thinking, and praying that night. Aubree was in a room with Brittany and Kristie and I know that they prayed, talked, and cried. Thinking back on her, 7th grade year and this huge event in her life I know it changed her as well. Then there are the boys, Ron was so good as to take care of all of their needs during this time, and also being a dad to a very sick young lady.
One of the biggest memories I have about not only this night, but the few nights prior, and maybe even weeks, were the conversations I had with Aubree. The hard, hard conversations. You see, Kasi was at total peace. What rocks my world about this still is that Kasi, being so intimately close to Jesus, was not scared. She told me, maybe a year or two later, that she was at peace because she knew that when she woke up, she would either be with me, or with Jesus, and either one was okay. She had nothing to fear. Aubree and I, well, we were having conversations in the car as I would take her back and forth to soccer, about what life looks like. What if Kasi was called home? What if Kasi survives? What is she comes out very changed, like can't walk or talk? We went through all of these senarios in a very real way. Our conclusion always being, we can not be selfish in our thoughts of what we desire, but we need to put all of these thoughts, feelings, and desires before the feet of our King in His throne room. We need to pray that we accept and are faithful to God and His call through the process, and that our own desires don't get in the way of God's work through us and the best for Kasi. After all, our home is not in this world. This is only our very temporary home, our residence is in heaven!
Going through this stuff of life here on this earth you have choices. You can look at it and go, wow, we made it! You can look at it as wow, God gave me strenth then I know He will if we have to do that again, but let's hope we don't. OR.....you can look at this as a stepping stone to surrender. We have found ourselves in constant surrender to stuff of this life. God has called us to difficult situations and circumstances in the last 5 years. He has also called us to come and walk with others in their difficult situations too. He doesn't give us these situations to just look back, but also look forward. He gives us eyes to see Him working in the lives of others. He gives us the knowledge and wisdom to recieve suffering as a gift of refinement. As I remember....remember with me, your story....
Praise to God for a Living Hope
1 Peter
3 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, 4 and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade. This inheritance is kept in heaven for you,5 who through faith are shielded by God’s power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. 6 In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. 7 These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.8 Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, 9 for you are receiving the end result of your faith, the salvation of your souls.
Thursday, April 30, 2015
The story goes on.....
Sometimes I think about this blog and the fact that I haven't posted for a long time. I also remember the times that I was posting in it daily. It was kind of a release, a way to process, and share my thoughts and feelings. The story is always going on though, it is always progressing, and changing, growing.
Today Kasi moved back home after her first year of college. I can hardly believe the first years of life, extending into school, and then college. There were so many times throughout her life that we didn't know she would make it this far. And now, she is done with her first year, looking forward to 3 more and then living her dream of helping kiddos in the hospital.
It is amazing to see how real life issues shape us and make us who we are. We have walked a hard road, full of heart break and things that seems so unfair. Through it all we know our God is faithful, He is consistent, He is all knowing, all loving......the list can go on and on. We have so much to our story that I look back on see God's hand in it all. From cash in our mailbox, just the right amount of course, to miraculous healing, amazing provision through a fundraiser for our family, and the biggest of all.....God's grace to us all. Watching these kiddos grow in Him, seeing them love God, because He first loved us.
Watching Kasi over the last year was a blessing to me. She has helped friends walk down rough roads, she has encouraged some in their faith, she has started a bible study too. All of this selflessly, all the while dealing with her own "stuff". Yes, Kasi has her own stuff, it is some of the same stuff she has had before. Her aorta, once again, not perfect, re narrowed, and keeping her from normal life. What is normal for her though. Is it running? Is it doing sports? Is her life filled with the busyness of doing rather than being? One thing Kasi is really good at, being. She is....she doesn't have to be anything to anyone because she is secure in who God created her to be. Without the stuff of this life, who would she be? Would she be able to come along side others like she does? Would she be such a blessing to those who know her? God's hand is above all and in all, and for that we praise Him.
Then watching our family. Watching Aubree grow, the boys too, but Aubree because she is growing into a young woman that is seeking God's heart in all she does. Watching her over the last year and seeing her heart and God working and doing some awesome things in her life. Seeing prayers answered, watching her lean on Him, stand up for Him, and live for Him. I wonder, what would she be like if not surrounded by the hard stuff of life. Watching her sister, suffer, almost leave this world, and also be healed, recover, and depend totally on God. While Kasi's mission field is in Dr.'s offices and hospitals, Aubree's is the soccer field. It's in the gym, it's helping people be better through the stuff that Kasi can't do. Aubree has lived this out in many ways through the years through giving verses, bibles, and being a testimony to those around her. God has used it by also calling her to CMU, to play soccer, and the one of the biggest blessing is that her coaches see something different in her. That something is Jesus.....
Today, I sat with a dear friend during a lunch. I feel honored that she sat, and felt like she could tell me things of her heart. I cried, she cried, and I just listened. (ok, I wasn't completely quiet) I walked away thinking, what an honor to be there, to just be. Again, I wonder, what would my heart be like if it weren't for my struggles, our challenges, my brokenness. God has used the broken to come alongside so many people. God's glory has been seen and continues to be seen through people that walk through the valley.
The story goes on.....Does our story ever end? I wonder do we ever stop talking about God's love, goodness, faithfulness? Do we stop talking about the miracles, the challenges, the brokenness, and healing? The answer is of course, NO!! This year, starting Jan., has been extremely hard for me and for our family. I have cried so hard, begged God to change hearts, for people to change, to grow in Him, to understand and not judge, and God choose to move me, to move us. Looking back I see that once again, letting go was the best thing we could do. That this too is a growing point for our whole family. Sometimes, physical pain is hard, but emotional pain is harder. We have been blessed by true friends, true prayer warriors, and mostly by the Truth. God's word has ministered to our hearts, and we have dug deep to learn full dependence on Him, and not on others. So, our story, continues. We will continue to show grace, as much grace as was given us by Jesus himself. It is not dependent on what others do for us, but on what God already has done through Jesus himself. Our story, makes us who we are. Our story is God's story through us. The great I AM was yesterday, is today, and will be forever. In Him is where our story begins and continues.
Keep looking up!!
Today Kasi moved back home after her first year of college. I can hardly believe the first years of life, extending into school, and then college. There were so many times throughout her life that we didn't know she would make it this far. And now, she is done with her first year, looking forward to 3 more and then living her dream of helping kiddos in the hospital.
It is amazing to see how real life issues shape us and make us who we are. We have walked a hard road, full of heart break and things that seems so unfair. Through it all we know our God is faithful, He is consistent, He is all knowing, all loving......the list can go on and on. We have so much to our story that I look back on see God's hand in it all. From cash in our mailbox, just the right amount of course, to miraculous healing, amazing provision through a fundraiser for our family, and the biggest of all.....God's grace to us all. Watching these kiddos grow in Him, seeing them love God, because He first loved us.
Watching Kasi over the last year was a blessing to me. She has helped friends walk down rough roads, she has encouraged some in their faith, she has started a bible study too. All of this selflessly, all the while dealing with her own "stuff". Yes, Kasi has her own stuff, it is some of the same stuff she has had before. Her aorta, once again, not perfect, re narrowed, and keeping her from normal life. What is normal for her though. Is it running? Is it doing sports? Is her life filled with the busyness of doing rather than being? One thing Kasi is really good at, being. She is....she doesn't have to be anything to anyone because she is secure in who God created her to be. Without the stuff of this life, who would she be? Would she be able to come along side others like she does? Would she be such a blessing to those who know her? God's hand is above all and in all, and for that we praise Him.
Then watching our family. Watching Aubree grow, the boys too, but Aubree because she is growing into a young woman that is seeking God's heart in all she does. Watching her over the last year and seeing her heart and God working and doing some awesome things in her life. Seeing prayers answered, watching her lean on Him, stand up for Him, and live for Him. I wonder, what would she be like if not surrounded by the hard stuff of life. Watching her sister, suffer, almost leave this world, and also be healed, recover, and depend totally on God. While Kasi's mission field is in Dr.'s offices and hospitals, Aubree's is the soccer field. It's in the gym, it's helping people be better through the stuff that Kasi can't do. Aubree has lived this out in many ways through the years through giving verses, bibles, and being a testimony to those around her. God has used it by also calling her to CMU, to play soccer, and the one of the biggest blessing is that her coaches see something different in her. That something is Jesus.....
Today, I sat with a dear friend during a lunch. I feel honored that she sat, and felt like she could tell me things of her heart. I cried, she cried, and I just listened. (ok, I wasn't completely quiet) I walked away thinking, what an honor to be there, to just be. Again, I wonder, what would my heart be like if it weren't for my struggles, our challenges, my brokenness. God has used the broken to come alongside so many people. God's glory has been seen and continues to be seen through people that walk through the valley.
The story goes on.....Does our story ever end? I wonder do we ever stop talking about God's love, goodness, faithfulness? Do we stop talking about the miracles, the challenges, the brokenness, and healing? The answer is of course, NO!! This year, starting Jan., has been extremely hard for me and for our family. I have cried so hard, begged God to change hearts, for people to change, to grow in Him, to understand and not judge, and God choose to move me, to move us. Looking back I see that once again, letting go was the best thing we could do. That this too is a growing point for our whole family. Sometimes, physical pain is hard, but emotional pain is harder. We have been blessed by true friends, true prayer warriors, and mostly by the Truth. God's word has ministered to our hearts, and we have dug deep to learn full dependence on Him, and not on others. So, our story, continues. We will continue to show grace, as much grace as was given us by Jesus himself. It is not dependent on what others do for us, but on what God already has done through Jesus himself. Our story, makes us who we are. Our story is God's story through us. The great I AM was yesterday, is today, and will be forever. In Him is where our story begins and continues.
Keep looking up!!
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